Rewiring thoughts takes practice

At least five years ago, I noticed a pattern in my thinking. When I was grumpy - usually if I was hungry, stressed from a difficult day at work, or frustrated by my kids not listening - I would spiral into greater and greater feelings of negativity or frustration as I observed things around me. I would walk to work and notice that some people stayed in the middle of the sidewalk and didn’t make space for others to pass. I’d see garbage can lids on the sidewalk and get frustrated that nobody had used their toe to move them aside so that someone pushing a stroller or in a wheelchair could get by. I would also find myself being petty, observing outfits and telling myself that I’d never wear that colour of shirt or choose a pattern that was so chaotic. If I were a cartoon, I would have dark cloud swirling above my head on my walk to work. Once I started noticing this pettiness, I became ashamed of where my thoughts were straying and knew it was adding no value to my life.

My ah-ha moment

I forget when the moment of realization happened, but I do remember one day catching myself having a negative thought and deciding to counteract it. I made myself think of something positive that negated my grumpy musing. So if I thought “I’d never wear that colour of shirt” I would make myself respond to it with “And yet it looks really good on this person.” If I was frustrated about seeing garbage can lids I’d remind myself “whoever passed before probably didn’t leave it intentionally, it’s just not something they think to do”. If someone didn’t make space on the sidewalk, I’d give them the benefit of the doubt that maybe they were lost in thought or just not used to paying attention to space around them.

Sure, maybe I was making excuses to help me get past inconveniences, but getting frustrated wasn’t helping either. And I noticed myself feeling less grumpy on my walks to work. Practicing counteracting negative thoughts helped me get me out of a negativity spiral more quickly. I’ve realized in hindsight that what this exercise was doing was helping me to find replacement thoughts for those negative ones. I was practicing thinking in a different way, and eventually those more positive thoughts showed up instead of what would’ve been a grumpy or petty thought. I am spiraling less often, and bouncing back more quickly.

I made a special effort to break the habit of being critical of others in my grumpy thought patterns. I was deeply uncomfortable once I realized I was getting so mean-spirited when I was in a bad mood, even if it was only my internal dialog. Nowadays I’m much more likely to look around and notice cool outfits or hairstyles or even just the energy about a person rather than thinking anything critical. Especially after being in Montreal where people embrace unique personal style as a point of pride, I treat people watching like I’m stopping to smell the roses. I really enjoy seeing unique t-shirts or cool shoes or hearing a great laugh. It’s part of the landscape of whatever city or space I’m in, and I get a lot of energy from noticing these wonderful quirks in the community around me. If I do find my negative voice coming back, it’s second nature to counteract it with a positive comment in my mind.

Rewiring your own thoughts

I’d invite you to notice patterns of thinking that aren’t serving you. Rather than being frustrated or ashamed of them, take on the challenge of rewiring them. Reflect on what you want to change about the pattern of thinking - what’s the root of the problem with the current way of thinking? Once you nail down what you want to change with the pattern of thinking, come up with a way to flip the script. How can you respond with a replacement thought for that pattern of thinking?

• Do you dislike how a thought makes you feel? How can you replace it with a thought that makes you feel better?

• Do you dislike how the thought might impact how you treat others? How can you flip the thought to something you’d actually feel comfortable saying out loud to the person?

• Is it not a good use of your energy to spend time thinking about it? How can you replace a frivolous or unhelpful thought with something constructive?

This type of exercise - noticing a way of thinking and then finding a way to rewire it - can help with negative self-talk, too. For example, if you notice yourself downplaying your skills, try counteracting it by having the voice of your mentor or your best friend respond with another perspective. So if you say “I suck at doing X” you can have a friendly voice respond with “you don’t suck, you’re developing this skill and the more you do X the better it’s getting”.

Noticing, assessing and rewiring thought patterns can be an ongoing process. If you want support as you reflect on your thought patterns and learn how to rewire them, I’d love to help. Book a discovery call to discuss how we can work together to help you form more positive and constructive patterns of thinking.