Yes, And: How to Reframe Success With Dialectical Thinking

Just like North isn't always right the direction to head in, careers don't have to follow a singular path. Photo by Bjarke Rosenbeck on Unsplash.

I can't stop thinking about the talk Dr. Leia Minaker gave last week. (See the event recap if you want more context.)

The thing that keeps sticking in my mind is her discussion on dialectical thinking. Dialectical thinking is a way to reconcile two (or more) seemingly opposing realities. You can be scared and courageous. You can be capable and need support. You can value someone else's perspective and disagree with them. Leia used this concept to describe the multiple perspectives that have to coexist when facing complex challenges like homelessness, climate adaptation, or urbanization.

The power of Yes, and

I've encountered some related concepts. One of the most powerful lessons I learned in therapy is to replace "but" with "and". I am committed to empowering my kids' independence and I'm anxious about their safety. Both things can be true without negating one another.

I've learned a similar process from watching improv. With the "Yes, and" rule, you're not allowed to say no. You accept the reality that your improv partner set up and build on it. "Yes, we are heading to the opera, and we happen to be mice who have to sneak into said opera because the humans won't let us buy tickets." I remind my kids about "Yes, and" when they're bickering because one is trying to control the storytelling in a game. It's more fun to build on ideas than to control them.

So why are these concepts sticking in my mind right now? I've been thinking about my own career, and the type of coaching I want to do. I've been having trouble articulating why I think coaching has a place for people who are mid-career and why that's where I want to focus my energy as a coach.

The sting of if/then thinking

My ah-ha moment is realizing that our mid-career phase often comes with messages framed in binary terms - if/then statements.

• If I'm not moving up the ranks, then my career is not a success.

• If I'm a high performer, then I should be focusing on developing new skills and taking on more responsibility.

• When I take parental leave, then I'm putting my career on pause or taking a step back.

This binary way of thinking about success is rampant in think pieces on leadership and career development. If you're not moving up or striving for the next milestone, then you're stuck or getting left behind. And if that approach matches your expectations and the opportunities you want to pursue - more power to you! There are lots of resources and coaching programs that can help you forge that path.

What I've experienced in my career, and seen with clients and friends alike, is that mid-career is when those binaries can start to sting. You have enough work experience that you can start to differentiate yourself and choose a direction for your career. And you have a bunch of other life experiences and responsibilities outside of your career that add complexity to how you proceed. And if your goals or needs don't pattern-match to what you've been told is the "right" way to go about things, the dissonance can be strong.

Two truths at once

Dialectical thinking can let you hold two truths at once:

• I set goals to progress in my career and set boundaries to protect my personal time.

• I'm grateful for what I have and I want to make changes.

• My career is an important part of my identity and it's not my only priority.

• I am very capable and I can't take it on a new challenge right now.

• I prioritize caregiving and I do fulfilling work.

• I am qualified and ready for a new role and I didn't get hired for the job.

• I am successful and I don't have a traditional 9-to-5 role.

Coaching helps you notice how your decisions are impacted by a gap between expectation and reality, and then decide if you need to change the expectation or the reality (or both). Coaching at this mid-career phase can help you build a dialectical framing for how you want to move ahead.

This isn't about reinforcing the myth of having it all. You know, the whole "Parent like you don't have a career, and work like you don't have kids." or the lie that "We all have the same 24 hours in a day." That's a recipe for burnout! Coaching is about figuring what is true for you, and sorting through the reality of how it can look in your life.

This, that, both, other

Some of the coolest outcomes I've seen in coaching are those moments when a client realizes "Oh hey, it doesn't have to be This or That. It can be some of Both. Or it can be this other completely different thing."

I love being in that messy middle alongside my clients. It can feel lonely or daunting when you don't have a map to follow because your path doesn't fit a binary understanding of success and failure. I like walking beside my clients and witnessing that shift as they start to feel more empowered to forge their own path, build on their reality by saying "Yes, and".

What's a binary that's not working for you right now? What changes if you reframe it from if/then to yes, and?

If you're feeling the sting of binary thinking, let's talk about how coaching and dialectical thinking can be part of your way forward.