A lifelong over-doer learns to intentionally say no (and yes!)

I have always been an over-doer. I was the kid who signed up for choir and basketball and science fair and took out 10 books at a time from the library. I wanted to try everything and squeeze as much as possible into my days. This behavior carried me through grade school and university, and I enjoyed a lot of great experiences out of this try-it-all approach. I also had a bunch of nights of feeling overwhelmed by having too much on my plate. As a kid or even a young adult, the solution was usually to have a really good cry, get a good night’s sleep, avoid adding anything else to my plate for a little while, and then slowly I would regain steam over the next several weeks or months until I hit the point of overwhelm again. I enjoyed most of the experiences I piled onto my plate - but it was when my energy ran out or my obligations caught up to me that I tended to have my mini meltdowns. Does this cycle sound familiar to any of my fellow over-doers out there?

As an adult with myriad commitments like caregiving for loved ones, building a business, raising kids, maintaining relationships with my husband and friends, and taking care of myself, my time can fill up without much effort. Something I’ve had to grapple with is being realistic about what I can take on and actually enjoy or succeed at. I’m not the kid or university student who can overload herself, have a good cry, and then bounce back. If I overload my plate, I end up exhausted and unable to complete important tasks like taking my Dad to an appointment or following through on a commitment to my kids. Usually exhaustion results in getting sick with a nasty cold or multi-day headache, just to add a painful reminder that I’ve overdone it. Even if it doesn’t get to that point, being overloaded just doesn’t feel good. I’m grumpy and tired and not getting much joy, even from the fun things I’ve committed myself to.

A quick aside - it’s important to differentiate between getting overwhelmed by opening yourself up to lots of new experiences and the deep impact of burnout. I’ve had my own experiences with both, and I don’t want to minimize the significant impact and recovery needed from burnout. But they are related, since both involve managing your energy and setting boundaries. What differentiates burnout, in my experience, is when you lose the ability to manage those boundaries and replenish your energy, often because you no longer have autonomy to control external contributing factors and you’ve gone beyond what self-managed care practices can offer for recovery. In that case, it can be necessary to draw on other resources like a counselor, doctor, your family and friends to help you work on a strategy to recover. What I can say is that practicing positive habits to manage your energy and boundaries can help you recognize when you’re tipping from a too-full-plate into burnout territory. Working on those habits and staying aware of your well-being when you are in a place to manage it could help avoid burnout or recognize and deal with it effectively.

So how can we use positive habits to manage our energy and boundaries? One of the habits I’m working on right now is being very intentional about what I say Yes or No to. Here are a few tips I’ve learned along the way and I’m putting into practice for myself right now. What resonates for you in this list?

Be honest about your calendar

• What are you doing in the whitespace?

  • Don’t be lured by apparent blanks in the calendar! Make sure you factor in time for the day-to-day like laundry, dinner, shopping, etc. and recognize when those blanks are necessary time for maintenance tasks.

  • Be intentional about including some unscheduled time in your calendar for contingencies and rest. My family tries not to schedule recurring activities on weekends so that we have time to visit friends and family, or so the kids don’t have to rush back from a sleepover at their grandparents house to get to swim lessons.

• Schedule unscheduled time

  • Make a point of blocking your calendar - even from yourself! When my family has a period of many busy weekends, we block out a no-plans weekend so that we don’t commit to anything else during that time. This planned whitespace gives us the opportunity to be spontaneous or restful - depending on what we need. It can also be a chance to catch up on laundry and dishes to set us up for an easier week ahead.

• Replan as necessary

  • If you’re adding another commitment - be it a sport or a critical family caregiving task - what else needs to shift? Does something else need to be reduced or dropped? Can you really take on the new thing? It can be uncomfortable to recognize that you don’t have capacity to offer your time to someone else or to take on something you’re excited about, but it is also important to confirm if and how to make a commitment that is sustainable.

Say no intentionally

• Say a simple no

  • It can be stressful to come up with a justification for saying no to something you’ve been invited to. But you can practice simple phrases like “No thanks. I hope you have a blast!” or “I can’t go, but enjoy!” No doesn’t have to come with a long-winded explanation, so release yourself from that pressure!

  • Sometimes the person you have to say no to is yourself! Rather than trying to talk yourself out of taking something on, try saying “This isn’t something I can take on now but if it’s something I’m really into, I’ll figure it out in the future.” or simply “This looks cool.” and then move on!

• No to this but yes to something

  • Maybe a friend has offered a suggestion for an activity you can do together. You want to make time for them, but can’t commit to something ongoing. Or you aren’t interested in what they’ve proposed. Practice saying what’s on your mind. “I don’t have the capacity to commit to this activity right now. Let’s talk about a casual get-together instead. How’s next Wednesday?” or “I’m not all that interested in dance classes, but what other sorts of activities would you be into? Maybe we can try yoga.”

• Hold yourself to a 24-hour waiting period to commit

  • I’m pretty sure I learned this tip from a workshop with Kat Vellos. I can’t remember the workshop, but I do remember the moment of epiphany when she shared this tip! It can be tempting to say yes and awkward to say no in the moment. But intentionally setting a 24-hour cooling off period can reduce the social pressure or FOMO that can lead you to over-committing yourself. Get comfortable saying things like “I’ll get back to you tomorrow once I have a chance to look at my calendar.” or even being real and saying “I’m the worst about FOMO, so I force myself to wait 24 hours to make sure I can actually commit. I’ll get back to you with a solid answer tomorrow!”

Say yes sustainably

• Make time for the fullness of the thing you just committed to

  • Saying yes to something often involves more than the scheduled commitment. If you’re taking a course, throw a few extra blocks of time for readings and studying and not just the class sessions. You can also factor in some social time if you meet a new friend through the class. If you’re taking on caregiving of a loved one, periodically schedule a block of time to recover and process any developments in the health or wellbeing of your loved one.

• Build in time to balance commitments and joy

  • Adult responsibilities can weigh on us if we aren’t intentional about offsetting them with things that restore us and bring joy. If you’re caregiving, factor in some social time with your loved one outside of any appointments or housekeeping you’re helping with. It could be a monthly social visit or tacking on an extra 20 minutes after an appointment to share a cup of tea. This moment of joy can help offset the strain of caregiving and help maintain the social dynamic in your relationship beyond your role of caregiver.

• Build in contingencies for things you want to sustain

  • When we commit to something for ourselves, it can be tempting to use that block of time as the tradeoff when other things crop up and take precedence. We eat into that time when the kids need extra help on a project, or we cancel our time for ourselves if we need more time for a work event. Giving yourself permission to have a contingency plan can help you stay on track if disruptions crop up. If you’re going to the gym, make a plan for how to fit in make-up sessions if you have to bump a gym time for another commitment or illness. If you can’t attend book club this month, schedule an hour out at a café to read next month’s book and get some time away that’s just for you as a replacement.

When you read this list of suggestions, does it all seem impossible? Is there such little wiggle room in your schedule that you can’t imagine adding contingencies or padding commitments with social time? If noticing this about your calendar makes you realize that something needs to change, what might you do to rethink how you’re using your time? Making small and intentional changes can help you shift from feeling trapped by your schedule and feeling more satisfied with how you spend your time.

Getting intentional about managing your time and uncovering the priorities you need to set to honour those intentions are great topics for coaching. If you want to explore how you spend your time, let’s chat! Book a discovery call to get started!